Prologue: A quick word with the author

Hello. My names Tom or Thomas or Tommy or Tommy T. I'm a writer and the author of this novella you are about to attempt to read. Some of you may have read my previous work and so have an idea of what you are letting yourself in for. Some of you may have been recommended it by a friend or merely seen it on some website on which it has been published. No matter how you have found it I feel it is my duty to warn you about what you are about to experience.

I was tasked with writing something fun for Christmas. Something that really hits home what the holiday season is all about and will fill all the readers with festive joy. Clearly the people who tasked me with this had never read any of my work before. I sat at my computer and proceeded to write chapter after chapter of violence, swearing, sex, drugs and Muppets. As always I gave each chapter a quick re-read and spell check and then refused to change any of it. It might make the book come across as being a bit erratic and rushed but then that's half of the fun in my opinion.

While the following may not be to everyones taste I am confident that at least some of you will find at least some of it slightly funny. If not you can just stop reading it's as simple as that. No-one is forcing you and if they are then I do not condone it. Stand up for yourself and stop reading this garbage. Anyway, onwards and upwards. I present my version of A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. With a bit of X Factor and Serial killing thrown in for good measure.
Just remember; No matter what, It's got to be better than 50 Shades of Grey hasn't it?


Merry Christmas


Tom Eydmann
December 2012

P.S This book was written in IMAX 3D. Put on your 3D glasses now.

 

Follow Tom Eydmann on Twitterhttps://twitter.com/#!/DrTommyT25

And on FaceBookhttp://www.facebook.com/#!/AmateurWriterProfessionalIdiot



Chapter 1

'Bob Marley is dead to begin with'.
'That's fine Edward. Now lets roll straight on with the next one.'

Eddie sat back in his chair and looked down at the next one on his list. He sighed when he saw he was only 23 through a list of 173 and each line had taken at least 3 takes. He had gone through the phrases to insult the elderly wannabes with less teeth than toes and was now onto the reggae acts who all thought they were the new Shaggy and the last thing this planet needed was a new Shaggy; we didn't really want the old one. Of course none of the acts were actually in front of him. It was far to dangerous to allow himself to be in the presence of such emotionally unbalanced scum. Not since the incident two years ago when a group of ex employees had disguised themselves as boyband 5Factor and started hurling rotten eggs and vegetables at him and his fellow judges. No it was far safer now for him to prerecord the insults he hurled at people week after week and let the editing boys to their jobs.

'Next line please Edward?' The floor manager was getting impatient which Eddie thought was laughable as he paid her wages. He made a mental note to fire her that afternoon and looked down at the next witticism on his list.
'You're about as hip-hop as Iggle Piggle from In The Nightgarden.'
Fuck this he thought and threw the clipboard on the floor before telling everyone to go for lunch and making another mental note to fire the team who wrote his insults as well.

Bobbi ran up to him as he was being unmic'd. As always she had her hair done up in a bun and was wearing a headset shouting abuse at strangers. Bobbi was his PA. Whilst most rich businessmen would have some blonde in her late teens run around grabbing their lattes Eddie much preferred Bobbi. She was a single mum of four in her late twenties and thus had more experience of shouting orders and dealing with whining babies than most. Also as a single mum she was glad of whatever meagre salary Eddie decided to pay her (and it was meagre) and never complained or asked for a bonus.
'Do you want to hear your itinerary for the rest of the day Eddie?'
'How many times do I have to tell you Miss Cratchet. between 8AM and 6PM my name is not Eddie'.
'Sorry Mr Scrooge. Do you want to hear what you're doing for lunch and onwards?'
Eddie got up. 'Let's walk and talk. Grab me a hot chocolate will you, with marsh mellows. I hate this time of year it's fucking freezing.' Within seconds a steaming cup of cocoa arrived and Eddie made his way to the limo with Bobbi bleating into his ear.

'So you've got Christmas lunch with your sister at 14:00'
'Change it to just a mince pie and glass of wine, I haven't got time for lunch.'
'OK' Bobbi shouted something into her headset. 'Then you're going to visit your Uncles grave at 16:00.'
'No time. I'll do it tomorrow or Boxing Day.'
'But it's Christmas eve Mr Scrooge; the anniversary of his death. Your mother will be there'.
'All the more reason for me not to bother going. I'm going to have to see the boring woman for the next 2 days anyway I'm not going to waste anymore time on her'. Eddie was getting tired. 'Get to the important stuff. How's the liquidation coming along?'
'Fine Sir.'
'Fine isn't good enough Miss Cratchet I want figures. How many stores do we have closing down today?'
'Err none sir. The board decided...' He turned on her
'THE BOARD DECIDED DID THEY! NEED I REMIND THE BOARD WHO PAYS THEIR FUCKING SALARY!' She seemed to wither at the sound of his voice. People in the street stopped and turned to look at this 6ft2" man thundering into the face of a terrified woman almost a foot shorter than him. She swallowed and regained her composure.
'With respect sir the board thought if you closed stores over the Christmas period it would lower your public image. It would probably cost you more money than you would save'.
'Bah fucking humbug.' Tell them we shall close 3 times the amount on the 27th to make up for it and balls to my public image'. They arrived at the limo and the valet opened the door for Eddie. He turned to look at Bobbi.
'What time will you be starting tomorrow Miss Cratchet?' She looked as if she had seen a ghost.
'Err it's Christmas tomorrow sir, I shall be with my children.'
'Fine, take the morning off. I'll take it out of your wages and see you at 16:00.' He paused for a second. 'How are your children anyway? How's the sickly one? Better yet? What is it he had? Measles?
'Cystic Fibrosis Mr Scrooge. And no, Tim isn't better'. Eddie coughed awkwardly and changed the subject.
'Can you make your own way home please Miss Cratchet I want to get laid before lunch.' He called to the chauffeur. 'Fred? get me a woman please.' The man nodded dutifully and got on his phone. Without saying goodbye Eddie got into the car, poured himself a brandy and wound up the window as Bobbi walked off into the cold snow.

Chapter 2

The empty clip fell out of the glock just like it did in the films and for a second Graham felt like he was in a James Bond movie. He slowly got out of his chair and went across to look in the mirror. Miraculously he didn't have a spot of blood on him. His black hair was slightly skew-whiff and his tie was loose but he looked the picture of professionality. He suddenly became aware of the whimpering coming from the corner of the room and thought the fucker might still be alive. Straightening his salmon tie and running his fingers through his sweat drenched barnet he made his way over to Mr Simonds desk. The old bastard was hunched over his own name plate; one hand still on the intercom trying to buzz security. Graham lifted his head. the bullet hole was still there. Actually 'hole' was an understatement. At the range Graham had blasted him it was more of a crater. You could have dropped your iphone through his forehead now and it would hit the back of the leather chair he was slouched on. There was no way an injury like this would leave anyone whimpering yet Graham could still hear it so he put his ear to Mr Simonds mouth. Nothing. No words, no noises, no breath. Of course there wasn't. Three bullets to the chest and one in the forehead would have been enough to shut up Eddie Scrooge let alone the manager of a customer service department.
'Not saying anything are you Mr Simonds?' Graham whispered to the corpse. 'Should have given me the Christmas hamper I deserved last year'. he paused before daring an inuslt to his old boss. 'You Jerkoff.' Still nothing from Mr Simonds and yet the whimpering continued.

He realised that the noise was actually coming from the corner of the room. More specifically it was coming form Daryl in the corner of the room. Graham holstered the pistol.
'You can stop crying Daryl. You haven't done anything wrong and I'll be on my way soon enough.'
It didn't stop the blubbing.
'You k k killed him....You said you just wanted to play a prank on him for making you redundant.'
Graham laughed. 'Are you seriously telling me you can't see the funny side in this. Come on Daryl the guy was a wanker. You should be thanking me for this. Your next manager will probably be some big titted milf with a passion for IT support workers.'
The door opened and someone entered the room. They had their head down as they looked at some files in their hand.
'Sorry to barge in Mr Simonds but I did knock and you said you wanted the weekly reports as soo...' Graham didn't have time to think. he pulled the glock out and fired.
CLICK
He fired again
CLICK
Balls he thought. He hadn't put a new clip in. The man was beginning to look up and was about to see the sight of a man holding a gun, the corpse of his boss slumped over a desk and a bawling IT worker on the floor. Graham had to think fast. He flung his gun at the guys head with surprising accuracy. He fell to the floor shouting 'OWWW.'Graham ran over with Mr Simonds hole punch and started battering him over the head with it. He screamed in pain but the hole-punch and Grahams inferior strength were not a good combination and he remained alive. He removed the guys tie and saw to his pleasure that it was Henry from Accounts who was a total asshole. 'It's OK Daryl', he called over. It's just Henry from accounts. I'll strangle him quickly and be on my way!'

After he had finished strangling Henry Graham Inch headed out of the building. A few people passed him on his way and expressed their sorries and it's always the best ones about his forced redundancy. He smiled and said it was OK as he had plans. One girl gave him a kiss on the cheek and wished him luck. A few gave him their numbers and told him to text them if he ever wanted to meet for a drink and bitch about Mr Simonds. Graham thanked them all and made his way out of the front door of Scrooge & Marley Inc. SHIT! He was halfway down the main gangway entrance when he realised he had forgotten about about Mel. He was half tempted to leave without seeing her but he remembered her pretty blond hair and beautiful blue eyes and knew he couldn't. He turned on his heels and headed back in. Mel was the receptionist at S&M Inc and always had a kind word for Graham. He thought they might have actually something serious going on until he had summoned up the courage to ask her on a date and been informed that she was already seeing Henry from accounts. Initially devastated Graham had enlisted Daryl to hack into her email where he had discovered that she had only gone with Henry because he got paid more than Graham and had less of a receding hairline.
'Oh hey Graham'. she beamed as he approached her desk. 'I'm absolutely gutted about whats happened to you. It's a real shitter. You must meet me and Henry for drinks and see if he can't fix you up with something yeah?'

'Henrys a douche' Graham replied before shooting her twice in the chest. He made his way round the back of the desk and pulled her head back. He placed the gun under her chin. 'And I am not fucking receding. It's just the way it's cut'. He pulled the trigger. Part of her brain hit the ceiling fan.

'Are you supposed to be round there?' a middle aged fat woman complained as he made his way out, casually look back as he saw Mels body comically slide off the chair onto the wooden flooring. He made his way down to the car where a traffic warden was giving him a ticket. To be fair he had parked in the disabled bay as he thought he was only going to be a few minutes and wanted to make a quick getaway. It wasn't the traffic wardens fault, he was just doing his job. Graham Inch decided to do something nice for his fellow man and holstered his weapon. He strolled up to the car as the warden turned to him and shrugged. 'Sorry bud, just doing my job'.
'I know' said Graham smiling before pulling out his small axe and burying it in the wardens wrist. He thought it would cut the hand off straight away but it just got stuck as it buried into his bone. He tried to wrench it free but it was going nowhere and the warden kept trying to grab him. 'I'm sorry!' Graham shouted before getting in the car and speeding away. He felt bad for the warden and also for leaving the axe. But he knew today couldn't possibly run completely smoothly and he would have to improvise at some point. He put on the radio and Mariah Carey started belting out Christmas hits. Today was going to be a good day.

Chapter 3

Eddie was in a bad mood from the moment he got out of the limo. Fred had failed to get him a woman before he had to meet his sister for lunch. He hated meeting his sister. As much as he still loved her in the same way that you have to love everyone who shot out of your dads cock they were just so different. She embarrassed him as much as he was sure he embarrassed her. All those marches and protests she went on. The media would always highlight her just because they knew that she was his sister and it amused them that one of the most powerful people this side of the Atlantic had a sister who wouldn't even buy a Starbucks coffee. He knew that her friends probably spent their time mocking her themselves for having a brother who was in charge of nearly 20% of all television shown in this country and at least ran 50% of all the ratings.

The Star House was now the biggest show in the world. It had been exported to 35 different countries but the show in Britain was the most watched still. And it all came from the idea of a man who used to own a couple of record stores. The idea was simple. Take any normal reality singing show where people get voted off every week blah blah and put them all in a house living together. It was Big Brother meets The X Factor and the real genius was that when people were voted off one aspect of the show they had to stay on the other. So shite singers would have to spend weeks sitting in a house eating beans on toast whilst their more talented rivals went out clubbing with footballers and snorting heroin with children's TV presenters. It had been a ratings smash and the Christmas day special was always the highlight of the year as it was guaranteed at least 2 shags and a few nervous breakdowns. And yet every year Eddie had to go through the whole rigmarole of Xmas with his family and fiends. Did they not know it was the most hectic day in his schedule? Some people had no feelings for anyone except themselves.

As he entered the VIP lounge of Maurie's he was shown to his normal table by the Asian waiter whose name he always forgot. He grimaced when he saw that Susie had brought company. That ridiculous boyfriend of hers who went by a nickname like Table or Clingfilm or something that was supposed to represent how capitalism was ruining the world. And some girl with dreadlocks and her face pierced everywhere except the normal places where people pierce themselves. How she got into a classy establishment like Maurie's was anyones guess. Susie rose when she saw him approach.
'Edward hi! Merry Christmas!' She kissed him on each cheek. 'You remember Lantern don't you?'
'Of course.' Eddie failed to fake a smile and shook Lanterns hand. She's brought them here on purpose to embarrass me he realised. 'And who is this?' He nodded at dreadlocks. 'Chanderlier or Lampshade?'
'My name is Katy' dreadlocks said stonefaced. Excellent. I love a girl with no sense of humour. Eddie slumped down into the chair and ordered a whiskey. If Susie thought she could embarrass him by turning up with someone called Cabinet and the creature that Goths forgot them he too could play at that game. It was time to get drunk.

40 minutes later they were in the middle of a full blown argument about TV. Well to be fair Eddie had just sat there in a bottle of single malt whilst Susie, Katy and Tablecloth proceeded to complain about the state of society due to all the 'carcrash' telly that was being shown; thanks mainly of course to Marley and Scrooge Inc (Susie always referred to Edward last when saying the business name just to piss him off). Eddie had heard all of these arguments a thousand times and knew how to combat them. He just couldn't be arsed. He let them waffle on; accusing him of ruining Britain with his multi national business and most successful television show in the history of the BBC. Eddie sighed and tried to find a pretty girl at the bar to take his mind of it all. Unfortunately the most attractive girl in the room who wasn't his own sister happened to be with a rapper who Eddie was 90% sure carried a loaded weapon and who he was about to drop from his own label. He decided to shut these hippies up and make an early exit. He addressed Lantern.

'Tell me something Snowflake or whatever your name is. Do you eat McDonald's?'
'Of course I don't' Lantern replied. I wouldn't dream of eating the flesh of another animal, especially not one from a chain of fast food bastards who keep their chickens locked up in pens the size of shoeboxes.'
'Fair enough' Eddie could feel Susie looking at him wondering what he was up to. 'Now answer me this. If McDonald's stopped trading tomorrow. I mean shut down every drive-thru, every restaurant and freed all their cows and chickens. Do you think the world will start to eat salad and vegetables from that day on?'
'Well I...' Lantern began.
'Or do you in fact think that they will just go to Burger King, Pizza Hut or Wimpy instead?'
'What are you getting at Edward?' Suzie was becoming irritated.
'I'm simply saying that if I stopped making shows like Star House or shut down S&M Inc it wouldn't make the population watch documentaries, read more books and prefer foreign films. They'd just watch some inferior reality TV and you would just have someone different to be angry at.'

There was a pause. Dreadlocks spoke first. 'Can I ask you a question please Mr Scrooge?'
Eddie leaned forward. 'Only if I can ask you one in return Drea.... er Katy.' Katy smiled shyly before composing herself. 'Why do you think people watch your show?' Eddie smiled and winked at her.
'Simple. There are three reasons why people watch shows like The Star House

1. The kids stuck in basic shitty jobs like Starbucks and your hated McDonalds. Or the ones gigging at weddings and in pub toilets. They need to have that small chance that maybe one day they will get to go on The Star House and escape the humdrum  pain of their pointless existence. It's the reason why every year we have more and more entrants than ever.
2. The people in slightly better jobs who maybe could of been really successful but didn't. Possibly due to money or falling pregnant. But more often than not simply due to laziness. They need to see people they hate so they can slag them off and feel slightly better about their own miserably lives. They hate the toothless crones, dolled up sluts and perfect boy-dolls we have on the show. And yet they can't stop watching week after week.
3.  Lastly our biggest audience. The ones who watch it simply to fit in. To have that feeling of belonging to something. Over 70% of the population watch our show. That is one big fucking club to be in. Many people like having that in common with their fellow man. It makes them feel more normal having something to talk about during their coffee break at work.

Eddie leaned forward. 'Now it's time for my question to you Katy. She leaned into him with a cheeky grin on her face.
'And what would that be Mr Chief Executive?'
'Why does a pretty little thing like you dress and look like that when coming into a classy establishment like Maurie's? Have you no shame?'

Edward Scrooge left Maurie's 20 seconds later with a big smile on his face. He hurt from the slap but he was happy. He was even more happy when Fred opened the limo door to reveal 2 brunettes inside with a bottle of champagne.
'Where to Sir?' The obedient chauffeur asked.
'Please Fred, call me Mr Scrooge. Head to the cemetery. I've got a bit of time to kill. May as well go see Marleys grave'. Eddie sighed and leaned back as he heard his zip open and one of the girls poured Cava into his mouth. Life was good at the top.

Chapter 4

Hawk finished the rest of the flask and sucked in the cold air. He was standing outside the building about half an hour later than he should have been. To be honest he could have been on the crime scene an hour ago but he hated being around the forensics guys who all thought they were in CSI Miami and the armed response who thought they were in Heat. Nope far better to wait until the guys had their fun and called in the Dets. He pulled a bounty out of his pocket and skinned it. After devouring the two pieces of chocolate coated coconut in two bites he checked the wrapper and was delighted to find he had won a free bar. 'I love Christmas' Hawk said to himself before looking up to find the two young plain clothes coming out of the glass doors towards him. Like all young DIs they had grown ridiculous moustaches in an attempt to look slightly older to their contemporaries and also carried their gun under their jackets in a way that made it look like they might be carrying a bazooka down there.
'You coming in Detective Hawk?' The shorter black one asked.
'Please just call be John. Or better yet just call me DCI Hawk'
'Bit of a mess in there Guv' the tall, skinny white croaked. 'Total fucking bloodbath if I'm honest. What do you want us doing?'
John Hawk scanned the buildings layout. 'Well for calling me Guv you can go up one level and get me a free Bounty'. He pushed the chocolate wrapper into the DIs shirt leaving a nasty brown stain. 'You,' he clicked his fingers in the direction of the other one. 'You're with me. What's your name son?'
'DI Maxwell sir.'
'Sir, I like that. Right follow me and shut the fuck up. And you? Crockett. Try and fill this up from somewhere as well.' He flung the hip flask at the lanky DI skimming his brow before entering the building.

He saw and smelt the body straight away. It can only have been an hour or so but the place looked well cleaned by CSI London and he managed to get to the victim without having to answer any questions. She was laying down on the floor behind the reception desk. Hawk put on his glasses to get a better look at her. Maxwell gave him a funny look. 'Yes I know it's hilarious. My name is Hawk and I'm short-sighted. Unfortunately my mother didn't pick her surname and they were hardly likely to know I would join the force and end up looking like I'd invented a nickname for myself purely in order to look cool infront of snotty nosed, trigger happy plebs like you.' That shut him up. Hawk went back to examining the body. The face was pretty much blown off but she had a locket round her neck with a picture of herself and a guy in it. She was a pretty picture all right. All blonde hair and ocean blue eyes. What kind of asshole would plug a broad like this Hawk thought to himself.
'Where's the boyfriend?' He asked Maxwell.
'In the next room boss.' They made their way through gingerly and surveyed the scene in the nearby office. One stiff was collapsed on the floor with a tie round his neck and and the other lay slumped over the desk in the executive chair. Hawk went over and picked up the gold nameplate on the desk. ' 'Tobias Simonds' he read out loud before looking through the sizable hole in the mans head. 'Looks like we got ourselves a bit of an execution deal going on here Maxwell.' Has anyone checked the CCTV?'
'Yes Boss. It's pretty open and shut. Some dude who had just been layed off, Graham Inches. He walks into this office with a friend, a er Daryl Hitchens; we have him in custody now. So he walks in here and then leaves five minutes later. Walks straight out of the front door he does before stopping and coming back in to execute that tasty bitch at the desk.'
'Don't call the broad a bitch Maxwell she's dead. We sent SWAT over to his house?'
'On their way now boss.'
'Any other witness?'
'Just one. A traffic warden who was trying to give him a ticket. But he's in hospital at the moment.'
'Why whats the matter with him?'
'He's got a hand axe lodged in his arm.'
'Fair enough. Well it seems pretty open and shut. Let's go round and nick the fucker and we can all go home in time for mincepies and Christmas specials. And Maxwell, you might want to conceal that cannon your walking around with. Just coz you've got a small pecker no need to let the rest of us know. And Crockett, where's my fucking Bounty?'
'Yes boss. Sorry boss. It's here boss'

They left the crime scene and made their way back to the car. Maxwell stopped to take a picture on his camera phone of the three bodies. Hawk didn't try and stop him. He knew how the youngsters liked to wager on Christmas eve and unless another Det encountered a DRK (domestic rape and killing) then Maxwell was sure to win the pot for most gruesome Xmas murder. You couldn't deny the youngster his fun. He munched his bounty and sipped his liquor on the way to the car. He should be home in time for Vicar of Dibley but something was niggling him as he read through the notes on Graham Inches. Sure he had been made redundant and decided to kill his boss and chances are he had been masturbating over the receptionist for years now and decided to take her and her boyf into the next life as well. But why the warden? And why axe his hand rather than simply shoot him. It just seemed odd. They got in the car and Maxwell pulled off. Hawk wound down his window to throw out his Bounty wrapper before pausing and checking the inside.
'Fuck me I've won another free one! It's gonna be a good Christmas Maxwell. Step on it.'

Chapter 5

Eddie had always like cemeteries. It was one of the few places where he would never get bothered by the press. Many times in the past he had used this place to meet people when he didn't want to be photographed. It was here where he used to let people know that they were being dropped from the label. People were less likely to try and hit you in a cemetery and if they cried it just looked natural. Eddie decided to walk to uncle Jakes grave on his own. He instructed Fred to get rid of the girls and be back in ten minutes; he didn't want to hang around long incase his sister turned up.

It was a surprisingly sunny day considering the time of year. Of course it would be dark withing an hour and a half but for now Eddie felt calm. The calm before the Christmas special he thought to himself smiling. He was happy. He was top of a multi-billion. multi-national, multi-fucking everything company. He could do what he wanted, was one of the most famous men in the world and and was top of the ratings. Uncle Jake would have been proud of him he was sure. He reached Jakes grave quicker than expected. It really was a sight to behold. A huge marble tombstone with a fountain and a small plinth with a statue of the man himself. Underneath read one of his quotes 'Ours is not to question why. Ours is just to milk it dry.' Eddie smiled to himself as he looked at the tombstone.

Here lies Jacob Robert Marley. Businessman. 1951 - 2010
 

It was a tasteful headstone for a tasteful man Eddie thought. It had been Uncle Jake who first brought him into the company. Eddies father had left when he was a very young age. Whilst his sister was found crying at night about this Eddie was glad to see the back of the cold hearted bastard and found solace in his mothers brother. Back then of course 'Marley INC' consisted of 2 small record stores. One in Camden and one in Shoreditch. But after Eddie came on board he persuaded Uncle Jake to start managing bands and singers. When their first act 'Fiddlers Muff' hit number 1 with their debut single and album Eddie knew he had found his calling. Of course Fiddlers Muff had been dropped from S&M Inc years ago but that didn't stop them from going from strength to strength with subsequent acts. And finally Eddie hit upon his big idea. His Magnum Opus. The music show; and he hadn't looked back since.

He picked up a stick and flicked a used condom off the headstone. Probably left there by a pair of drugged up young lovers. 'Finally practising safe sex eh uncle?' He smiled to himself. Although he sort of missed Jake the last few years of his involvement with S&M Inc had been stressful to say the least. Jake couldn't get his head around why the TV show would be successful and so resented Eddie when it was. He also didn't really understand the concept of digital music and had blocked Eddie at every turn when he proposed shutting down the record stores to save costs. Eddie hoped if he had been here today he might of understood where he was heading what with CDs now being next to obsolete. But he wasn't here. He was 6 feet under and probably just a skeleton now. The result of a lifetime of substance abuse. Eddie sniffed the cold air and turned to go. He jumped when he saw the woman standing behind him. Huddled up in a black fur coat and clutching a bunch of flowers she looked older than he remembered. Sort of withered. 'Hello mother.'

She ignored him and went to the grave to place the flowers down. Eddie wondered who she had come with. Susan maybe. Or one of her faithful servants. His mother had never been short of friends as was made clear in her 'tell all' autobiography where she had made Eddie seem like a tightfisted bastard as apposed to the shrewd businessman that he liked to come across as in interviews. He saw two figures approach in the distance. Susie and Harold. Harold was Eddies mothers servant who he was pretty sure was sleeping with her as well. They had never got on and made no effort to pretend otherwise. Susie ignored him completely and instead went to put her arm around their mother before shepherding her back to their car. Harold made to go with them before looking back momentarily
'We'll see you after the show for lunch Edward. Good luck. I'm sure you'll make many viewers very happy.' It was a backhanded compliment. Harold had always despised the telly show for exploiting talented individuals. Not that Eddie gave a shit. He was minted and Harold was so feeble he reminded Eddie of an old flannel.

The encounter with his family had left him feeling a bit empty. But he could not get down. Tomorrow was the biggest day of the year for him and he needed to be on top of his game. He made his way back to the car and told Fred to head for home. He wanted a quiet evening. A small amount of weed and a boxset would be fine. He didn't want any company or Christmas cheer so he called Bobbi and cancelled all his appointments for the rest of the day. They included a visit to a soup kitchen but that was only for publicity rather than any desire to help out. He only ever stayed for half an hour so his photographers could get their official shots before heading into the local overpriced restaurants run by celebrity chefs and eating a free meal. Scrooge looked out of the window and sighed. A nice quiet evening. That's all I want.

Chapter 6

Graham Inch sat on the edge of the bed and looked at the items in front of him. Two pistols; a Glock and one which he wasn't too sure of but looked like it was from a John Woo film. A sawn off shotgun, his butterfly knife and a screwdriver. The screwdriver wasn't meant to be part of the arsenal but his axe was lodged in the arm of a traffic warden somewhere and he need a replacement. He covered up the sawn off and the Glock and put them in his shoulder bag. The rest of the weapons he concealed about his person and he made his way downstairs to the payphone. He only had a small amount of money left in the world as the rest had gone on purchasing the weapons and he knew it was not part of the plan but he wanted to hear their voices one more time. He put 60p in, took a deep breathe and dialled. The youngest picked up first.

'Hey baby it's daddy. How you doing?'
'Daddy is that...is that you?'
'Yes baby it's really me. How are you? Looking forward to tomorrow? Not long till Santa comes now baby'.
'Daddy you're not supposed to call here. I've been told not to talk...'
'I know baby but I couldn't go Christmas without talking to my baby girl now could I? Where are your brothers baby'?
'Danny is out with his friends.Tim's in bed upstairs. Should I go and get him? Should I call Mummy'?
'No Sweetie no need to disturb them. I just wanted to say Merry Christmas and...'
The line went dead. She must have heard them.

Graham left the phone box and sat on the wall outside. He lit a cigarette and started to sob. It was a bad idea to have phoned them. He had a job to do and he couldn't let his emotions get in the way of that. He wiped the tears out of his eyes and blinked until his vision unblurred. Two teenagers were stood in front of him.
'Give us a fag mate?'
'What? Oh yeah, sure.' He opened his packet and pulled out a cancer stick . When he looked up they were staring menacingly into his eyes.
'And your phone and your fucking wallet.'
'I'm sorry?'
'I said give us your phone and your wallet before we smash your face in.'
'But....your not even carrying a weapon? I'm not going to give you my wallet. I need it.'
'Did you hear us right you fucking cockstain. Hand them over now before we mess you up.'
'No thankyou gentlemen.' And with that Graham reached into his pocket pulled out a screwdriver and buried it deep into one of the teenagers eyes. The screams were even louder than the traffic wardens had been. It probably would have been quieter to use the gun. Graham got hastily up and ran away down the road. In his haste he realised he had left the tool in the teenagers head. Dammit! he thought to himself. He needed to stop leaving items embedded in people. He couldn't go back to the motel now. He was going to have to use his cellphone. There was only one number he could call. And they were going to be pissed off. They weren't supposed to have any contact until tomorrow after all. He paused before dialling the number but he knew he didn't have any choice.

'Hi it's me. I need somewhere to stay. The motel has been compromised. Can I come to yours please? Two hours? Perfect. I'm sure I can think of things to do.'
He hung up the phone and hailed down a taxi. He instructed it to take him into town and when the driver tried to overcharge him he stuck his butterfly knife into his chest.

Chapter 7

Eddie decided to walk the last half mile home. The cold air would clear his head and he could walk past the corner and hopefully score some weed. Of course he could always arrange to get pot delivered to his door but as soon as they knew who they were delivering to the price of an ounce always went up a third. Eddie might have been a billionaire but he still wasn't prepared to get ripped off by some college grad growing poor grade skunk in his step-dads greenhouse. He turned his iPod up loud to drown out the sounds of the crowd. Everywhere he looked people were rushing around making preparations for Christmas. What was wrong with them? he thought. Have they never heard of Amazon? Eddie couldn't even remember the last thing he bought from a shop that wasn't cigarettes. Come to think of it he couldn't remember the last time he had bought cigarettes either. They were just always in his pocket. He probably had someone on his pay role who did that for him. He reached into his pocket now and discovered he had none left. He swore and decided he would fire the person responsible for buying his cigarettes as soon as he worked out who it was and walked into the nearest shop.

He went straight up to the counter and asked the young girl for a packet of Marlboros and a lighter. And a diet coke. She gave him a quizzical look.
'Err..'
'What?' he was getting exasperated. 'You don't want to see my ID do you? I'm 35 years old for fucks sake!'
'No it's just...we don't have any Marlboros.'
'Sold out I suppose. Typical. Fine give me a packet of B&H then. And make it a normal coke. Screw the diet.'
'Err we don't have any B&H either.'
'Whats wrong with your stock manager woman? Just give me a packet of cigarettes god dammit!'
The manager came over to see what all the fuss was about and recognised Eddie immediately.
'Mr Scrooge it's an honour. Me and my kids are huge fans. Melissa what's the problem with Mr Scrooges order?'
'I'll tell you the problem (he checked the mans name tag) Larry. I've come into your store and asked for some cigarettes and a coke. Not too much of an ask I don't think and this joke of a sales assistant seems to find it impossible to find me either of these pretty common items in your vast store.'
The manager fixed Melissa with a steely stare. 'Melissa go and find Mr Scrooge a coke and a packet of cigarettes.'
But Larry we...'
'Now.'
She left without another word and was back in 2 minutes with a packet of Marlboros and a coke. Eddie gave her £10 and didn't wait for the change. 'Whats the name of this shop Larry? I shan't be coming back here in a hurry unless you speak to your service staff.'
'We're called Argos Mr Scrooge.'
'Argos ehh'. Sounds familiar.

20 minutes later. Larry was sat in his armchair with a rolled up joint drinking the only can of coke ever to be bought from an Argos. He was content. He would have an early night and be up at 6AM to give the world the best Christmas special ever. Uncle Jake would have been proud. He gave Ms Cratchet a text telling her to make sure he had an Omega watch and Armani suit for the show and also to look into buying a small shop called Argos as part of his helping the community scheme. She text back almost immediately saying she would look into it and Merry Christmas Edward. He didn't bother replying. The weed must have been good because the next thing he knew he had woken from a doze as the embers had fallen onto his lap and burnt a hole in his trousers and the skin on his upper thigh.
'FUCK' he shouted and jumped out of his chair. The front door bell suddenly went but he ignored it assuming his butler would get it. Seconds later it rang again and he realised the butler had probably gone home for Christmas. It took him 5 minutes to remember where the door was and when he finally did and had slipped on his Versaci slippers he was feeling thoroughly pissed off and in no mood for carol singers. He swung the door open.
'Look we don't buy, sell or give any Xmas cheer here...
Standing in the doorway looking rather green and smelling like he had been dead for 7 years was the unmistakable figure of Jacob Robert Marley.
'It's fucking freezing out here Edward. You still got that single malt whiskey lying about?'
Edward Scrooge soiled himself

Chapter 8

'Clear!'
'Clear!'
'All clear Dets!'
Hawk and Maxwell made their way inside the apartment.
'Fuck sake I was sure he'd be lying on the floor surrounded by pictures of the receptionist and that would be the end of it' Maxwell sighed. The single bedroom apartment was spotless. In the living room a huge TV hung on the wall with a stack of DVDs by a PlayStation. Hawk went over and picked them up. Se7en, Natural Born Killers. 'Research maybe?' he asked Maxwell.
'Come on boss I own both those movies doesn't make me a nutcase does it?'
Connected to the living room was a small kitchen and a table with a laptop on it. Maxwell clicked his fingers and pointed to a nearby copper.
'You, get that down the station straight away. I want to know his emails, Facebook, Twitter, the fucking lot within the hour.' He went to the fridge and had a look inside. 'Milks still fresh he must have been here this morning. Everything else is gone.'
'He knew he wasn't going to be coming back here after today that's why' Hawk thought to himself. 'Question is where has he gone? Trying to make a break for it? It can't be suicide or he would have done it here or at the scene of the crime. Unless..'
'Unless he's got more people on his list. We need to find out who else tickled his psycho G-Spot. I'm going upstairs to take a shit.'
'DI Maxwell, maybe you haven't read the handbook they gave you at training but leaving your fecal matter in the toilet of a murder suspect is a pretty big no no.'
'Fuck the rulebook, Eat your bounty.' He disappeared up the stairs.

Hawk made his way up to follow him. Along the stairs were pictures of Inch, a brunette woman and 3 kids. 'Has someone gone to the wifes place?' He asked Crockett who was tailing him like a lingering fart.
'Plain clothes on their way now Guv'
'Well be a good boy, pull your tongue out of my arse and get down their will ya son? Last thing I want is your dribble messing up my crime scene.'
He went into the bedroom. Along the wall there were posters of various footballers. Ian Wright, Thierry Henry, Cesc Fabregas. Clearly Graham was an Arsenal fan. Next to Cesc was a poster of pinup Lucy Pinder and a small notebook computer. The chest of drawers were still full of clothes. That ruled out fleeing the country. On the bed was a small tray with a sandwich and a glass of wine. Did he plan on returning here at some point? There was a note against the wine glass. Hawk picked it up.

Dear Detectives. As I imagine you will be spending the rest of your evening trying to find me then I thought it was only courteous of me to make sure you are properly fed. We wouldn't want you to starve now would we.
Love Graham

 Nothing else in the room gave him anything else to go on. He flicked on the small telly to see what Graham had been watching before he went to business this morning. It was a DVD. Hawk sat on the bed and waited for it to load.
There had to be something. He was positive now that Inch was going to kill someone else. Maybe the family but that just didn't feel right. If he still loved the wife then why wouldn't he have gone their first and why would he have shot the secretary and her lover? Something was amiss and if it wasn't on the laptop then it had to be somewhere in this room.

The toilet flushed and Maxwell came out looking pleased with himself.
'You didn't flush your hands?'
'Thought you might want to dust the taps for prints?'
'What would be the bloody point in that? We already know who the killer is you spanner.'
'Oh yeah. Have you checked behind the poster yet?'
'What poster? Why?
Maxwell walked over to the TV and picked up the empty DVD case.
'Come on it's obvious. The guys watching Shawshank Redemption and needs to find somewhere to hide his secrets?' Hawk shrugged.
'Never seen it'
'You've never seen Shawshank Redemption? Jesus you haven't lived. Next you'll be telling me you don't know who Yoda is'.
Hawk shrugged again. 'Not really into Star Trek.'
I'll ignore that last comment'. Maxwell walked over to the Lucy Pinder poster picking up the sandwich on the way. Come on boss didn't it even stick out to you a little bit that he's got a bunch of Arsenal players on his wall and one glamour girl who hasn't been famous in about 5 years.' He took a bite out of the sandwich and started to take the poster down. 'Ooh, BLT! Seriously though you should check Shawshank out. Tim Robbins best movie by a mile. And that...' he removed the poster and laid it on the bed. 'Is how the pros do it.'

Hawk got off the bed and peered into the cupboard embedded in the wall. Pictures were blu-tacked over most of it so you couldn't see the back at all. There were itineraries, email printouts, TV schedules and the blueprints of what looked like several different buildings. It took a few seconds for him to take it all in. He cleared his throat.
'Maxwell, call in the boys to take  a look at this. We better head over to Mr Scrooges house. I hope for his sake he doesn't scrimp on his security.'
Maxwell tossed him a bounty. 'Awesome but first we're stopping at Blockbusters. I'm buying you Shawshank on DVD for Christmas'

Chapter 9

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Interval

So we are around a third of the way through this little novella  By now you will have either stopped reading because you think it's shit, carried on as a sort of self harming commitment or maybe you actually quite like it and find it quite funny.

To those of you that have stopped reading I apologise. Maybe you were expecting less violence and more candyfloss. Maybe you just thought the language might of been slightly more complex. Sorry but Thomas Hardy I ain't. In fact if you have stopped reading then it doesn't really matter as you won't have got this far so I don't really care what you think. Cunts

To those of you that are still here then I felt I should address a few things. Firstly you might have noticed that some of the chapters (like this one) are rather short. This is because I wanted the story to be a light read. Something to read on your train to work or whilst having your lunchtime poo. I didn't want to spend 12 pages describing Eddie or Grahams facial features or what Eddies house looked like. Just enjoy it for what it is. A hugely violent slice of festive fun. Like Bad Santa but without a black dwarf.

Secondly I didn't want anyone to think that this book will have a depressing ending where everyone dies. Don't worry. A few people will die along the way yes but by the end there will be a definite resolution and what I believe is the happiest ending possible. It's certainly happier than the original ending which involved he ghost of Christmas present getting bummed by a bad guy I called the Holly Molester (he has thankfully been scraped).

So I just wanted to break the fourth wall and say thankyou for reading. It means a lot to me. Now get ready for the next chapter. Kick off your shoes, eat some cheese. Maybe loosen your trouser buttons or take off your bra. Pour yourself a glass of whatever alcohol you use to block out the misery of your life. Because the next chapter is about to begin.
In a moment
Any second now.
It's just coming
Here it is

Chapter 10

It was hard to decide which bin to put a corpse in Graham Inch thought to himself. On the one hand it was probably recyclable. But then it was technically meat so maybe it should go in the bin for food waste. It was exasperating work. He hadn't wanted to even kill the guy but anyone who played their MP3 player loudly in the quiet zone of the train to Victoria didn't deserve to live. He debated a while further before stuffing the body into the recycling bin and strolling off through Soho in the direction of the nearest house of ill repute.

He hadn't planned on visiting a brothel but there was a strong chance he was either going to be dead or in prison within 24 hours so he thought he deserved to be with a female at least once more. I mean he'd led a good life. Well apart from the 5 people he had definitely murdered and the 2 he probably had or at least maimed. But those few blips aside the last bad thing he had ever done was when he'd accidentally walked out of Sainsburys with a pint of unpaid semi-skimmed in his bag in 2002. No he deserved a little fun on his last night as an alive and free human.

Graham had never been inside a whore house before. He'd once seen a stripper on his stag weekend in Amsterdam but he'd had a panic attack and had to spend 4 hours eating waffles and ice-cream to calm down. He wasn't entirely sure on the etiquette for buying prostitutes on Christmas Eve and was also very aware he was heavily armed so decided the best way to approach the situation was to be as well spoken and nice as possible. He approached the desk where the slightly older lady who he assumed was the madam sat on her mobile phone eyeing him curiously.
'Hello there, are you open?'
'Of course we're open love. It's Christmas Eve. Our busiest night of the year.'
'Excellent. In that case I would would like to purchase a young lady for a couple of hours.'
'How young. If she's below 15 it costs double'.
'Jesus Christ no! I meant around 22 or something. Jesus what kind of establishment do you run here?'
'Relax amigo this isn't Taxi Driver, I was kidding. Don't worry I've got a couple of lovely ladies working the Christmas shift.' She chucked him a key. 'That'll be 200 Euros please?'
'Euros? I've only got sterling I'm afraid.'
'Sterling? What's that worth these days? I'll take your phone and your watch.'
'Look I need to keep the watch. How about I give you the phone and £100?'
'Fine go through the last door on the left. Number 3'

As Graham Inch made his way down the corridor he heard many strange and freaky noises. Amongst then was a man screaming the Neighbours theme tune and the sound of  a microwave going. He ignored them and opened his allotted door. Inside he sat on the double bed and looked around. Across the wall was handcuffs, whips, butt plugs and several scary looking items which Graham didn't even want to imagine the purpose of. Directly opposite the bed was a video camera connected to a widescreen telly mounted on the wall. Graham wondered what sort of despicable acts had been filmed using that camera. The door opened and two girls walked in. Dressed in French underwear and suspenders they were quite simply the most beautiful creatures Graham Inch had ever set his eyes upon. They came over and the blonde gave him a kiss on the cheek. She had sparkling blue eyes and an hourglass figure. As soon as she kissed him he got hard but he tried to push that urge from his mind. The redhead sat down next to him and began running her finger through his stubble.
'I only paid for 1 girl...' Graham began but the blonde put her finger on his lip to quieten him.
'Madameoizelle Rorsche felt you could do with a little Christmas cheer so sent myself and Maxine as extra. On the house'. Maxine gave him a kiss and took his jacket off him. She threw it onto the bag containing his shotgun and gave a small gasp when she saw the Glock in his holster.
'My my you are full of surprises. You want to keep that on?' Graham took the holster off and went to the bag. He opened it, peered in and looked up at the girls.
'No thanks. I've got something very special in store for you two'.


2 hours later Madam Rorsche made her way down the corridor to room 13. She couldn't hear any sounds coming from inside and the door was locked. She knocked loudly on the door.
'Come on, that's your lot. Don't make me call security. She banged again harder. Still nothing.
'Maxine, Zara are you OK in there?' Banging again. 'Open up this fucking door!'
She heard a key turn slowly in the lock. Graham Inches face appeared in the space where it opened.
'Shh he said beckoning her in. they're sleeping'. Sure enough as the door opened wide the two girls were fast asleep on the bed. 'Get your fill did ya? I'm supposed to have these two working for another six hours'.
'Just let them sleep a bit more.' Graham went over to pick up a remote. 'We were just watching a film together.
'It's supposed to be an extra 50 if you make them watch you and your boyfriend doing it or whatever gets you off you know.' She glimpsed up at he TV and got a strange surprise. On the screen a green frog was singing a song with a pig.
'I used to watch this with my kids every year at Xmas' Graham said sitting on the bed.
'Muppets Christmas Carol' Madame Rorsche gasped 'I haven't seen this since I was married.' She sat next to Graham on the bed and he rewound it to the beginning. Within 20 minutes she was asleep in between Zara and Maxine. graham got up quietly, gave them all a kiss on the forehead and left another £50 in both the girls cleavage. He picked up his bag and loaded the Shotgun. It had been fun but the job in hand sill was priority. It was time to get to her house

Chapter 11

Eddie was sitting on his toilet holding an airgun and drinking Jack Daniels from the bottle. The bathroom was locked and he had the gun solely aimed at the door. It was safe to say he thought that the encounter with his deceased uncle had left him slightly adrift from his usual calm self. Still at least he had the airgun even if he was way too drunk to use it and had no idea how an airgun would kill a ghost who was already dead. Still he felt a lot safer with the door locked and it meant he could relieve his bowels whenever he wanted to which given the experience he had just had was around about every 15 minutes at the moment. He checked his watch for the third time that minute. Time was still passing annoyingly at the same rate as aways and it was nearly time for the first ghost to arrive. Or was it? Maybe he had dreamt or imagined the whole thing. His uncle had left no proof of him being there apart from an empty whiskey glass which could easily have belonged to Eddie himself. And what was more likely? His uncle haunting him from beyond the grave or the fact he had fallen asleep whilst stoned and dreamt the whole thing because he had just been at his tombstone. He decided it must have been a nightmare and he should get some sleep before the big show tomorrow.

The doorbell rang

He shat himself again before composing himself and heading slowly downstairs with the air rifle. If the ghost of Christmas Past thought he could scare Edward T Scrooge easily he was about to get a nasty surprise. Namely a bullet up his ethereal anus. he downed some more Jack Daniels and shouted at the front door.
'Who's fucking there? I've got a gun.'
'Mr Scrooge? Mr Scrooge I'm Detective Maxwell and I'm with Detective Hawk. Can we have a word please? I'm a big fan of yours.'
'No! Fuck off! I don't want to see any ghosts. Especially ghosts pretending to be policemen! I've got a gun now fuck off!'
'Mr Scrooge please. There's been an incident at one of your offices. 3 People are dead.'
'I've had enough of dead people for one evening. Now shit off and leave me alone.'
'Mr Scrooge. my name is Detective Hawk. We have reason to believe you might be in danger. Now please open this door before I have DI Maxwell kick it down.'
'Right that's it. You've bloody well asked for this.' Eddie stuck the gun through the letter box and fired.

Considering it was only an airgun it was surprisingly powerful. Eddie was flung backwards by the kickback and cracked his head against the hall table. He heard a scream of pain and as if in slow motion his lovely front door was kicked in and a young black policeman was suddenly straddling him. In the background an older copper was clutching his hand and drawing his weapon.
'He ruddy well shot me. I've got a ball bearing in my bloody hand.
'Mr Scrooge' the young one was saying. 'I'm a huge fan'. He produced a piece of paper. 'Could you please write an autograph for my niece. It would be the best Christmas present ever.' Despite having a 200 pound man with a gun sitting on him Eddie instantly went into showbiz mode and took the piece of paper.
'Sure son. Who should I make it out to? Ellie yeah? No problem. Dear Ellie. Merry Xmas love Eddie Scrooge. There you go.'

'DI Maxwell would you please get off Mr Scrooge and try and act like a professional for 2 minutes of your career as a Detective Inspector'. Maxwell got off Scrooge and went to stand with Hawk.
'Well Mr Scrooge I should probably arrest you for assaulting a police officer but I have a killer to catch.'
'You can't arrest him on the night before the Christmas special boss?'
'DI Maxwell PLEASE. As I was saying Mr Scrooge I don't have the time to arrest you for shooting me in the hand as I have a very busy evening. I was supposed to come here and warn you about the deranged killer who is possibly after you and your family but seeing as you are clearly a nutcase and/or a wanker I think I'll go see if your sister is more willing to take our protection. Come on DI Maxwell we're going/ Merry Christmas Mr Scrooge'.
Eddie scrambled to his knees.
'Hang on what killer? What the fuck is going on?
Maxwell turned to him sympathetically. 'His name is Graham Inch. He shot dead 3 people in your customer services department earlier and we have reason to believe he may be after you and your sister next'.
'Well aren't you going to give me a bodyguard or something? All mine have gone home for Christmas or are preparing for tomorrows special. What should I do if this Inch turns up at my door?'
Hawk looked back. He was halfway out the door already and trying to unwrap a Bounty with one hand.
'I suggest you shoot him with your air gun Mr Scrooge. I'm sure it will be no match for his Sawn off Shotgun'. They shut the door behind them.

Eddie laid back on the floor and groaned. He had been warned by Bobbi that these crazies always came out of the woodwork when you make people redundant but not tonight, he had enough on his plate already.
'Well now they're out of the way shall we get going?'
He jumped to his feet and dropped the airgun on his foot. It went off and shot him in the ear.
'Oww! Fuck! Who's there?'
'If I come out can you promise not to scream. I've got a banging headache.
'Yes I promise. I've run out of shouting for one evening and I've got a big day tomorrow. Show yourself.'
She came round the corner and to Eddies credit he didn't scream. He merely said 'Jade' and fainted.

Chapter 12

Jade-Marie Lilliwhite was the first big thing to come out of the Star House all the way back in the first series. She hadn't even won the thing but that was because back then the voters mainly consisted of bored housewives who spent their Saturday nights at home with their cats. The actual winner had been a 16 year old called Simon Leeber. He had a number 1 Christmas single followed by an album that hit number 1 in it's first week and dropped out of the top 40 in it's second, followed by an unsuccessful tour, followed by a scrapped autobiography and a stint on 'Celebrity Prison Dinners' where they teamed up Z list celebrities with killers and paedophiles and challenged them to host a dinner party. He was currently working on a cruise ship. As a barman.

Jade on the other hand who wrote all her own music and played the guitar, piano and clarinet had gone from strength to strength. Her first album topped the charts and gave her a sellout tour. Her second album hit number one on both sides of the Atlantic and gave her a worldwide tour. By the time the 3rd album came out she was the best selling female solo artist since Brittney Spears. It seemed like nothing could stop her. The public adored her and she was a great role model for teenage girls; not getting naked in lads mags and keeping her weight healthy. Then disaster struck. Her pianist John Terrence who toured with her everywhere since the beginning died of a seizure. It came out in the papers days later that Jade had been in a secret relationship with him for 2 years previously. She went into her London home and wasn't seen for months. Some said she was working on a new 'heartbreak' album. S&M inc put out a live CD so the public didn't forget about her. Then 6 months after Johns death on Christmas day Jade was found in a pool of her own vomit after an overdose.

Rumours flew round the tabloids that Eddie and Jake had not given her enough support after Johns death. Eddie knew that hadn't been true. He had always given her what she needed and was always there for her professionally if not personally. She was his prize asset after all. He tried to recreate Jades success every year after with new seasons of the The Star House but whilst the show itself went from strength to strength the acts never hit Jades heights. Some got close. Boyband Fringe Patrol were doing well both sides of the pond still and singers like Sara Cork and Tiffany Britches were always popular with the lads mags but Eddie had never found a talent like Jade. She had truly been the whole package.

Right know the whole package was flying through the air with Eddie clinging on for dear life. After he had fainted Jade must have been in a rush because she did not try to wake him up before leaving. He had awoken around 2 miles off the ground and promptly vomited on what he wasn't to know was a rather surprised bus driver having a cigarette on his break. The driver had blamed a young couple who were sitting on the top deck of his night bus. He subsequently threw them off the bus where they had to walk home. On the way home the couple had stopped at a popular fried chicken outlet and ordered a bucket of chicken. Once at home they had devoured the chicken and inside one of the hot wings found part of a human finger which the resulting inquest found out came from the hand of a young Filipino boy being paid $2 a day in the chicken shops secret factory. The chicken company was shutdown, the kids from the sweatshop freed and the young couple were awarded a 2 million dollar settlement and lived happily ever after. Many theorists have written essays about how this mysterious vomit came from the Gods or some sort of chaos theory to shut down the evil chicken empire. But many theorists don't get out much.
`
Jade swooped down and landed on a pavement somewhere in England. She let go of Scrooges hand and he fell face first into a bush and vomited again (this time nothing special happened except a small woodlouse drowned. But he was a dick of a woodlouse anyway). After a few minutes he regained his composure and looked at Jade.
'Well you look pretty good for a dead girl. Forgive me if I don't act more surprised than spewing chunks but I have already seen my dead uncle tonight and shot a police officer so it couldn't really get more surreal.' He looked her up and down. 'So what are you the ghost of my Christmas past?'
'I am merely a face you recognise Eddie. Someone who might cause an emotion in you this evening.'
'Too bloody right I've got an emotion. You cost me around 30 million and god knows how many interviews to get my public image and our ratings back up.' He paused embarrassed. 'So...how are you? I know it's been a while but do you want to talk about it or anything?'
'No I don't want to talk about it Eddie. My problems are over now because of whatever I did when I was alive. We're here tonight to talk about you and to try and save you from (she pointed downwards) you know who.'
'Yes Uncle Jake told me about that. So where are we going? A church or somewhere?'
'No; Tom doesn't want us to go to a church for fear of alienating all the readers who don't believe in God.'
'What readers? What are you talking about?'
'Never mind take a look over there. You recognise that place?'
Eddie looked over at a brightly lit school building. He stopped in his tracks. 'This is my old secondary school, S.T Cribbins.' Jade pulled him forwards.
'Well come on then I expect you're wondering why I've bought you here?'
'Are we about to see some scene from my childhood to help me change my evil ways?'
'Yes how did you know that?'
'Because it's the plot of A Christmas Carol Jade!' She kept pulling his arm rushing forward
'What's that a musical? Never heard of it. Come on!'

Chapter 13

Maxwell sat at the table and stared at singer whilst he sipped his beer and waited for Hawk. They had stopped off in a bar so Hawk could tend to his hand before they went to see Suzy Scrooge. The bar was grim and dirty and populated mainly by people trying to watch some repeat of a West Ham game. The singer had clearly been booked for  Christmas Eve festivities but besides a sprig of holly in the piss drenched peanuts and a couple of flickering fairy lights there was nothing to show it was any different from a normal Friday night in town. Maxwell wished he was back in Fahrenheit 55 his own local rather than still working. If truth be told his shift should have ended hours ago but this was shaping up to be a once in a lifetime case. Reports had come in that had sightings of Inch in central London where 2 bodies had been found. If there was a connection between the two then this could be Britains biggest kill spree in years. And yet the only lead they had to go on was the sister of the biggest media mogul in Europe. Maxwell lived alone and had nothing really to wake up for tomorrow except to go and see his Grandmother in the home and yet he'd rather be in Fahrenheit 55 sipping cold Heineken than drinking the warm piss he was currently forcing down his gullet in a dive where he was afraid to touch anything incase he caught an STD.

The singer on the stage had launched into a rendition of Last Christmas by Wham. This hadn't gone down particularly well with the West Ham fans who were now jeering him and throwing peanuts and beer. This could get ugly Maxwell thought to himself but he couldn't really intervene and risk causing an injury to the only two officers completely clued up about the Inch case. Something about the singer looked very familiar to him. Someone he went to school with maybe? One of the West Ham fans had launched a glass at him which he had narrowly avoided but fallen off his stool. The guitar he was playing had smashed but the background music kept going proving the kid was miming his instrument. Maxwell felt sorry for him. Maybe he should have a word. He rose from his chair as laughter rang out through the pub and the thugs gathered around the singer and began to pour beer on them. They were daring each other to urinate on him when Maxwell reached them.
'Come on Lads. The kids had enough don't you think? It's Christmas after all isn't it?' They turned to face him. One of them spoke. A stocky feller with no neck and a tattoo of a naked woman on his forearm.
'Fuck of jungle bunny. Before I cut you a new arsehole.'
'Boys I won't ask you again. I'm a Detective Inspector now leave the guy alone.' They did leave the guy alone. They forgot all about him in fact and began to approach Maxwell instead.
'So the nigger wants to play cop does he?' No-neck growled. 'Well that would make us robbers wouldn't it lads. Maybe we should see what he's got in his pockets'. Two of them pulled out a flick knife whilst one smashed a bottle on the bar and brandished the sharp end at Maxwell.
'Come on coon, what you got in those pockets?'
'This motherfucker' came a voice behind him and with a flash of chrome No-Neck was on the floor with blood spurting from his nose. Hawk made his way over to Maxwell who pulled out his piece as well. 'Now back the fuck up Hillbillies before I plug you all with lead. You?' Hawk called over to the singer. 'You'd better come with us'. The boy scooted behind them quicker than a horny roadrunner in BirdWorld. They backed out of the bar and hopped into Hawks car before hightailing it off down the road.

'Why the hell didn't you pull your gat out?' Hawk said when they were a few blocks down. 'There were 5 of them and they were armed!'
'I don't like to pull my weapon unless I have to boss. It just encourages people to act more violently. Besides what you may think. Not all of of us young Dets think we're in a Michael Bay movie.'
Hawk gave him a sideways look before turning his attention to the kid in backseat.
'Anywhere you want dropping off son?'
'Err I live near Canary Wharf officer if that's not too much trouble.'
'No trouble at all, that's where we're headed.' He skinned a Bounty and began munching.
'FUCK!' Maxwell yelled suddenly. 'That's how I know you. Your Simon Leeber the original Star House winner! Hey we just met Eddie Scrooge. You guys still close?'
Simon looked down at the floor. 'Not really. Mr Scrooge hasn't spoken to me in around 6 years.'
'Jesus kid you had talent. What you doing playing in a bar on Xmas Eve?' Simon sniffed and looked up with tears in his eyes. He had a cut on the side of his head where a piece of glass had hit him.
'I still work the cruise-ships from time to time but the works been pretty dry of late. I've been working on a few new songs but no-one really wants to listen when you're a product of the Star House. You get your one shot and that's that. Truth be told I'm sort of a has-been.' Hawk looked up at him.
'How old are you son?'
'28 Detective.'
'Jesus boy how can you be a has-been at 28. Some people don't even know what they want to be at 40 let alone 28. If your music career isn't working out just do something else for Gods sake.'
'That's the trouble sir. What else can I do? After spending years in the limelight with fame and money how can I go back to a 9-5 desk job or working in a factory? Besides when I have tried to try my hand at something else someone always recognises me from the show and I get picked on and laughed at until I have no choice but to quit.'

Maxwell glanced up at the sorry figure sitting behind him. So this was what happened to all the famous kids from The Star House. Too big to work a normal job and too bland to last in the fame game. It was a sorry state of affairs and he pitied the boy. Maybe Eddie Scrooge was not the hero Maxwell had him cracked out to be. Hawk stopped the car.
'We're here. I have an idea. Er..Simon right? How would you like to help us out with some very special police work. All we need you to is guard the car whilst we go up and knock on that ladies door.' He handed Simon a picture. 'If that man comes anywhere near the car or that building you flash the car lights OK?'

Chapter 14

Eddie wouldn't admit it in front of Jade but he was rather excited to be going back to school. He had made them many donations in the past but they had always accepted his money on the condition it was a secret donation so he couldn't really just stroll in like he owned the place even if he technically did. Besides with all the electric whiteboards and Jamie Oliver style canteens he barely recognised it anymore. This was different though. This was the school from his youth. He could smell the greasy chips, cheese and beans from the dining hall. He got a twinge when he walked past the gym, and when he was by the huts where he had fingered Becky Grover in year 9 he felt a slight twinge of nostalgia. Jade was pulling him inside into his old form room. As they walked through a door Scrooge came face to face with a man he hadn't seen in 20 years.
'That's Ricky Chamberlain! We were the best of friends!' Jade ushered him along into the room and they hung back in the corner watching the scene unfold. Scrooge scoured the room for himself before finally locking eyes on the sixteen year old boy in the corner of the room playing on his Gameboy. Scrooge wondered why he wasn't joining in. From what he remembered he had always been a popular kid in school. Suddenly a wave of panic flushed over him as he remembered what he was watching. he turned to Jade.
'Please Jade no...I don't want to' She put a finger on his lips and turned his head back to the classroom.

Some of the boys had surrounded Ricky Chamberlain and were throwing his bag back and forth.
'Where did you get your plastic bag from Ricky? Moving House?
'Did your dad steal those shoes for you Ricky? Couldn't he have found ones without holes in or don't they sell those at Oxfam!'
'You fucking stink Ricky. Why don't you have a shower or something? Wash those fleas off yourself.'
Eddie stared at the ground before flicking an eye up and realising his younger self was standing in the exact same position. He turned to jade again.'I wanted to stand up for him. To say something. But he did smell and he was poor. What was I supposed to do? I'm just one man!' Jade said nothing.
The boys had started pushing him about now. One of the bigger lads went forward and punched him in the stomach. Winded he fell to the floor and they emptied the contents of his Sainsburys carrier bag over his head.
'Your fucking filthy Ricky why don't we give you a wash?'
The big lad spat on him and glared at all the other kids until they all started doing the same. The bigger ones did so straight away followed by a few more. Some of the smaller kids at the back tried to walk out of the room but the big lad blocked their paths until everyone in the class except for Edward Scrooge had spat on Ricky Chamberlain
'Scrooge your next' the big lad called over. He marched up to the 16 year old Scrooge and snatched his Game Boy off him before dragging him by his tie over to his best friend lying on the floor.
'Give your friend Ricky a bath Scrooge or you can join the little cunt down there.'
Eddie turned away and faced the wall. He knew what was coming next. He heard the hack and splutter and finally the spit and then the sobs of Ricky Chamberlain. The room melted away and he and Jade were standing on a street. Eddie had angry tears in his eyes.
'I swore that day that I would never listen to anyone who made me do something I didn't want to do again. not after...after...'
'After Ricky killed himself.' Jades voice was unflinching.
'Come this way Eddie we have 2 more things to see before I leave you. He followed her in silence. Up the road to a bar where loud music was playing out and Snow covered the road and trees. Eddie recognised this place immediately and a smile spread across his mouth.
'Now this is more like it Jade! I remember this party! Come on she's probably still in there!'

They went inside to see all the people dressed in Christmas onesies dancing on the tables and on the bar. Waiters walked round serving champagne to revellers and a buffet of sweetmeats, seafood and nibbles adorned every wall. Eddie recognised face after face as he made his way through the crowd. Every aspiring recording artist in the Country had come to the first official S&M Christmas party when Scrooge and Marley Inc became official. He saw Lilly Allen, Paul Weller, Brian May. He saw Head Honchos from Apple, Sony and Samsung. Uncle Jake was on the dance floor leching over Taylor Swift as usual. None of them could see him of course but he didn't mind. This was the night where they had first slept together and he wanted to see how beautiful she had looked. Eddie pushed past person after person. Then suddenly he saw her. Standing in the corner having a cigarette. As beautiful as he remembered her.
Carolyn.

Tall, blonde and with blue eyes that could make you want nothing else in the world she had been Eddies perfect woman the moment he laid eyes on her. She was quite clearly a bit tipsy but Eddie had noticed her straight away. As if on cue he saw himself step through the crowd towards her with 2 glasses of Cava. A good 10 years younger than he was now with better hair and a more toned figure the young guy strolling up to Carolyn still had the same swagger that Eddie had possessed since that day in the classroom. The young Scrooge whispered something in the her ear. Eddie turned to Jade.
'I asked her her name and then I asked her if she'd like to accompany me for a walk outside.'
Young Scrooge wrapped his jacket around Carolyn and they left the building together. The bar melted away and Eddie and Jade were standing watching Young Scrooge and Carolyn get into a taxi and kiss passionatly in the backseat. The cab sped off. Eddie turned excitedly to Jade. 'Well come on lets get back to mine and see what happens next!' She shook her head.
'I have another Christmas to show you with Carolyn I'm afraid'
The scene melted away.

They were indeed standing outside Eddies old London flat. The swanky one in Notting Hill before he had moved to the mansion. This was the place he had shared with Carolyn for 2 years before. Suddenly Eddie realised what he was about to see. He looked up the road to see a familiar figure staggering along drunkenly, beer bottle in hand, head tilted lopsidedly to the left. The guy was singing Dried Tears; Jades first number one and had clearly been out celebrating.
'Please Jade, I know how his ends, can't we just leave?' Jade remained silent. Young Scrooges phone rang and he looked at it before hanging up.
'I remember that call' Eddie whispered. 'It was Bobbi Cratchet. I had no idea why she was ringing. What had happened to her? Something bad I think?'
'She had just left her husband' Jade said without trace of emotion
'Oh'
As the Young Scrooge fumbled with the key in the lock, dropping it 3 times and having a piss in the outside barbecue Eddie and Jade were suddenly upstairs in a familiar bedroom. Carolyn was asleep in the bed but woke up the minute she heard Young Scrooge come crashing through the door. She got up and went out to sit in the spare room next door. Young Scrooge had fallen onto the sofa downstairs whilst trying to get his shoes off. He came crawling up the steps singing.
'Carol, I want my Christmas Carol. Where are you?'
He got to the main bedroom.
'Carol? Where are you? I want my Christmas Carol!'
'I'm in here Edward' she called from he main bedroom.
Jade at least spared him going into the nest room to see what happened next but it didn't matter to Eddie. He had this scene burned ino his retina and he sat in silence listening to the shouting, the crying and finally Young Scrooge emerging in drunken tears before packing a small bag of clothes and staggering down the stairs and out in the night.

There was a long pause.
'That was the last time I saw her. Well of course I saw her many times since then but she always looked different. That smile she had in her eye for me had gone, replaced with either contempt or a disappointment that we had to share the same breathing space again.' The room started to melt away.
'Jade. I'm sorry about what happened between you and Tony. I know what it's like to lose someone you love because of drink and drugs. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.'
Jade kissed him on the forehead.
'When I died Eddie the papers said you had driven me to suicide. But it wasn't suicide. That's why there was no note. I was just a very unhappy girl leading a very unhappy life and there was nothing you could have done to stop that.' She looked tired. 'And now I must leave you. My time here is at an end. I hope the next visit brings you some happiness Edward. She kissed him on the head again and he closed his eyes. When he opened them he was back in his bedroom.

Chapter 15

Graham Stewart Inch born 18/04/72 in St Gandhi's hospital Camden.

Graham watched his birth certificate go up in flames and burn to ash. He dropped the smouldering embers into the fire along with his driving licence, passport and his credit cards. All he had left on him was his cash and a picture of his 3 children. How quickly you can destroy an entire life he thought as he stared into the flames. Still that was the past and there was no point dwelling on the past. He didn't have a future of that he was certain so the only thing to focus on was the present and the job in hand.

Graham made his way out of the park and stopped under a tree opposite the house he was heading to. A car was parked outside and he saw 2 men; one middle aged and white, the other younger and black exit the vehicle and make their way up the front steps. Graham could spot a cop a mile off and these two stank of the law. They may as well of had their siren blaring and be in uniform. Undercover my arse he thought as he approached the vehicle. In the back was a gentleman who Graham thought he recognised. He was looking about shiftily and kept playing with the locks on the door to see if they worked still. Graham crept up slowly on the car. The guy in the back must be a criminal who the detectives had caught and were escorting to the station. Who knows what ghastly crimes he had committed to get arrested on Christmas Eve. Probably a domestic. He looked like the kind of guy who would sock his wife in the chest after a few too many Stellas. Graham was getting angry just looking at the back of his head. He slipped his hand into his inside jacket pocket and felt the trigger as he creeped up alongside the passenger door.


Susie Scrooge brought in a tray with tea and shortbread on it. She set it on the table and sat facing the two detectives in her living room.
'So this guy is coming here to kill me is that what you're saying?'
'Not quite' the older white one began. 'We believe he is after your brother but we have suspicions he may use you in some way to get to him.'
'Well he needs to get his facts right because anyone who's ever turned on a TV would know that me and Edward are not exactly on the best of terms. In fact I highly doubt he would be particularly bothered if I was murdered by this psychopath.'
'Nevertheless we've sent for an unmarked squad car to wait outside your house until we capture this guy.' Susie got up and went to the window. She turned back to face them.
'So where will you two be spending Christmas? With the wife and kids?'
'I'm not married' said the older white one eating a Bounty. 'I think it's too late for that. If I ever got down on one knee for a broad she'd just see my bald patch and run a mile. Nope all that romance stuff has sailed for me I'm afraid.' The younger black detective shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Susie sat down again.
'So, have you got any leads? How long before you arrest this nutjob?'
The young black one got up. 'I'm afraid we cannot divulge that information Miss Scrooge.'
'You mean you haven't got a clue where he is except he might show up on my doorstep at any minute carrying a shotgun and my brothers severed head.' She paused. 'Would probably still be the best Christmas present I get this year. Tell me something detective. Have you been to see Edward yet?'
Hawk felt the wound in his hand. 'Yes we have.'
'And he told you to go fuck yourselves didn't he?'
'He shot me in the hand with a rifle.' She stifled a smirk. Hawk ignored her and checked his Bounty wrapper.
Sorry. Better Luck Next Time
'Well detective as much as I appreciate everything you are trying to do to protect my family I fear that I may have to mirror my brothers response. Besides do you really think this Inch guy is crazy enough to just turn up on my doorstep?'
'Well at the moment it seems like the most logica....
'DETEEECTIVE!!!!'
The scream was deafening and could have woken the entire road. Maxwell reacted quickly. He pulled out his piece and ran for the door. Hawk got up, knocking biscuits everywhere and followed him. As he got outside he followed the barrel of Maxwells canon to see what he was aiming at. By their car Graham Inch stood with his shotgun aimed firmly at Simon Leebers chest.

'Put the fucking gat down Inch!' Maxwell was shouting. Graham just smiled.
'Come on this guys a criminal. I'm keeping the streets clean. Like Travis Bickle'
'He's not a criminal Graham' Hawk shouted firmly. 'His name is Simon Leeber and he's the original winner of Star House.' Graham peered at Simon closely.
'Oh yeah I thought I recognised him. Oh well.' He lowered the gun. Passed his chest and belly. Past his groin and onto his leg. There he paused for a second. Then he fired.
A shotgun wound at close range to the leg does as much damage as you would expect. In other words fucking lots. Simons leg was blown nearly clean off and he collapsed on the ground in screams. Graham was knocked backwards from the blast onto the floor. Maxwell ran over and kicked the gun out of his hand. He pulled him up and bent him over the bonnet.
'Graham Inch I am arresting you for all kinds of crazy shit. You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you fail to mention anything that you later rely on in court. He spun him round to look him in the eye. Graham smiled at him again.
'Did you like the Deteeective shout? I copied it off Se7en. Great flick. Oh and by the way DI Maxwell if you have anything urgent to say to DCI Hawk I suggest you do it now'.
Maxwell looked at him puzzled. Then he glanced over at Hawk standing over Simon. He briefly saw the red dot on his neck before somewhere nearby someone pulled the trigger of a sniper rifle. Blood sprayed from Hawks neck and he fell down to the ground in a lifeless pool of red.