Chapter 11

Eddie was sitting on his toilet holding an airgun and drinking Jack Daniels from the bottle. The bathroom was locked and he had the gun solely aimed at the door. It was safe to say he thought that the encounter with his deceased uncle had left him slightly adrift from his usual calm self. Still at least he had the airgun even if he was way too drunk to use it and had no idea how an airgun would kill a ghost who was already dead. Still he felt a lot safer with the door locked and it meant he could relieve his bowels whenever he wanted to which given the experience he had just had was around about every 15 minutes at the moment. He checked his watch for the third time that minute. Time was still passing annoyingly at the same rate as aways and it was nearly time for the first ghost to arrive. Or was it? Maybe he had dreamt or imagined the whole thing. His uncle had left no proof of him being there apart from an empty whiskey glass which could easily have belonged to Eddie himself. And what was more likely? His uncle haunting him from beyond the grave or the fact he had fallen asleep whilst stoned and dreamt the whole thing because he had just been at his tombstone. He decided it must have been a nightmare and he should get some sleep before the big show tomorrow.

The doorbell rang

He shat himself again before composing himself and heading slowly downstairs with the air rifle. If the ghost of Christmas Past thought he could scare Edward T Scrooge easily he was about to get a nasty surprise. Namely a bullet up his ethereal anus. he downed some more Jack Daniels and shouted at the front door.
'Who's fucking there? I've got a gun.'
'Mr Scrooge? Mr Scrooge I'm Detective Maxwell and I'm with Detective Hawk. Can we have a word please? I'm a big fan of yours.'
'No! Fuck off! I don't want to see any ghosts. Especially ghosts pretending to be policemen! I've got a gun now fuck off!'
'Mr Scrooge please. There's been an incident at one of your offices. 3 People are dead.'
'I've had enough of dead people for one evening. Now shit off and leave me alone.'
'Mr Scrooge. my name is Detective Hawk. We have reason to believe you might be in danger. Now please open this door before I have DI Maxwell kick it down.'
'Right that's it. You've bloody well asked for this.' Eddie stuck the gun through the letter box and fired.

Considering it was only an airgun it was surprisingly powerful. Eddie was flung backwards by the kickback and cracked his head against the hall table. He heard a scream of pain and as if in slow motion his lovely front door was kicked in and a young black policeman was suddenly straddling him. In the background an older copper was clutching his hand and drawing his weapon.
'He ruddy well shot me. I've got a ball bearing in my bloody hand.
'Mr Scrooge' the young one was saying. 'I'm a huge fan'. He produced a piece of paper. 'Could you please write an autograph for my niece. It would be the best Christmas present ever.' Despite having a 200 pound man with a gun sitting on him Eddie instantly went into showbiz mode and took the piece of paper.
'Sure son. Who should I make it out to? Ellie yeah? No problem. Dear Ellie. Merry Xmas love Eddie Scrooge. There you go.'

'DI Maxwell would you please get off Mr Scrooge and try and act like a professional for 2 minutes of your career as a Detective Inspector'. Maxwell got off Scrooge and went to stand with Hawk.
'Well Mr Scrooge I should probably arrest you for assaulting a police officer but I have a killer to catch.'
'You can't arrest him on the night before the Christmas special boss?'
'DI Maxwell PLEASE. As I was saying Mr Scrooge I don't have the time to arrest you for shooting me in the hand as I have a very busy evening. I was supposed to come here and warn you about the deranged killer who is possibly after you and your family but seeing as you are clearly a nutcase and/or a wanker I think I'll go see if your sister is more willing to take our protection. Come on DI Maxwell we're going/ Merry Christmas Mr Scrooge'.
Eddie scrambled to his knees.
'Hang on what killer? What the fuck is going on?
Maxwell turned to him sympathetically. 'His name is Graham Inch. He shot dead 3 people in your customer services department earlier and we have reason to believe he may be after you and your sister next'.
'Well aren't you going to give me a bodyguard or something? All mine have gone home for Christmas or are preparing for tomorrows special. What should I do if this Inch turns up at my door?'
Hawk looked back. He was halfway out the door already and trying to unwrap a Bounty with one hand.
'I suggest you shoot him with your air gun Mr Scrooge. I'm sure it will be no match for his Sawn off Shotgun'. They shut the door behind them.

Eddie laid back on the floor and groaned. He had been warned by Bobbi that these crazies always came out of the woodwork when you make people redundant but not tonight, he had enough on his plate already.
'Well now they're out of the way shall we get going?'
He jumped to his feet and dropped the airgun on his foot. It went off and shot him in the ear.
'Oww! Fuck! Who's there?'
'If I come out can you promise not to scream. I've got a banging headache.
'Yes I promise. I've run out of shouting for one evening and I've got a big day tomorrow. Show yourself.'
She came round the corner and to Eddies credit he didn't scream. He merely said 'Jade' and fainted.